Tuesday, May 31, 2011

crash and burn

Now let me start by saying I have no intention of turning this blog into one long moan about everything - I have another blog for that lol :).

But this week I am struggling. I am overly emotional and bursting into tears at the drop of a hat - anyone would think I was pregnant haha - No I am not pregnant - we are a 6 kid family end of story lol - not sure I could handle anymore for a number of reasons. Although Darren says he is still not convinced and has reneged on the promise of a vasectomy saying he is worried I am not ready for that. Hmmmm I think he is just chicken :D

One reason for my emotion is yesterday I had heard the news that a police officer on the Gold Coast was shot, I watched the story and was upset and mad. Later that night I was sitting watching TV, knitting when the same story came on - I looked up and there was his face - someone I knew - not really a friend but we worked together years ago - he was even in theatre for the birth on one of my children. Words can't explain how I feel, I don't even understand it myself. I am heartbroken for his family, his wife, his children. He had a daughter about the same age as my youngest, I just look at my Sawyer and cry and think of his Grace.

I remember a gentle, happy, reserved guy who wanted so badly to be a cop. A triathlete who worked hard to achieve his goals. Its been quite a few years since I even thought of Damien and I am positive he wouldn't even remember my name so why am I so affected by this?????????

Another thing bringing me down is my impending return to work from maternity leave. I was determined that I was not going to return to full time work - well guess what I am. You have no idea how badly I do not want to return. You have no idea how mad I am at myself for not doing what needed to be done during this time. But I guess I just have to accept that my goals haven't changed they may just be delayed a little.

which brings me to my last issue - CouCou - I am worried when i return to work I won't be able to devote enough time to it. I really want this to turn into something, not a multimillion dollar enterprise - just to earn a little extra to facilitate my ability to stay home at least part time. I am worried that I am not good enough - that people just don't like "me" I have disappointed there has been not a lot of interest. I'm not really sure what I expected to be honest and I am extremely grateful for the interest I have had - I'm not sure what I should be doing or what I am doing wrong - I guess its all a learning curve. Like I said before I am trying to take it as it comes and not take it personally but I will admit I am struggling with it. My husband has always said that i need to just put myself out there and the rest will happen but you know what I'm not so sure. ARRRRGGGGG the self doubt is killing me.

OKay so that's it my official woe is me post. I apologise. I promise the next post will be a happy smiley sunshiney post - really it will :)

1 comment:

  1. It's just so tragic about the police officer...I can't believe the amount of murders going on here at the moment, it's like LA or something. I really really hope he pulls through but it doesn't look good :(

    And hugs about having to go back to work.
    And your business is doing great- I have a friend who set up her page about 3 months ago, she only has about 80 likers and has only sold a few tiny little things.